she got out of town

release me

release my body

(good song choice vivian)

getting away getting away getting away

you offered to help, right? so it makes it okay. right?

and it feels so strange, that last night, for the first time since, i felt we had a normal conversation. i wholeheartedly felt it. i felt it was comfortable again, that you were treating me the same or at least much less awkwardly and gently. before, it always felt like you were handling me like a fragile little thing and did everything out of courtesy and politeness. i dont know. but just yesterday, it didn't feel like you saw me as the victim of your mess anymore. you spoke somewhat the same as ever.

though i know that i still hold reservations and it's never going to be completely there again, at least we've reached a stage of acceptance. there is this thing there. it doesn't die or go away.

i appreciate that you took one step forward. it's kind of a professional relationship now. i tell you what i want and need. you help me.

we laughed about your friend. good bonding times. felt liek we were finally in sync again. man, have i missed being able to share these things with someone who understands.

don't hate meee

i spoke to him last night on a whim.

i said 'lol hi can i tell you a fail story!' (i was excited and pumped about what had happ last night with our fail outing)
and he said "sure! but wait, can i tell you my fail story first?"
and i said "GOGOgO"
and he said "so kimberly's still on 0 words out of 5000 words after like 2 months, yet still claims that she has "got this!"

aaaaahh

that was kinda funny. then i told him my story and he laughed a lot. then he asked me how my assignments were going and when i finished. then he showed me his assignment. then we ran out of things to say and he had to get back to studying.

and you know what? I AM FINE.

he had to go (as he always does) and i expected it, and i didn't flinch. i was likeeeeee yep, okay.

i know it's annoying to find out that i've broken my long 2-3 weeks of no talking and complete disconnection - but this is progress! i honestly felt and still do feel fine. i'm beginning to think, i prob don't even need to send that letter anymore. that it goes without saying, that what is, is what it is. everything has changed.

but we'lll see.

ive tried and i've cried
but i can't anymore.

it's time.
honestly.

another week has passed and that's it now. 2 solid weeks of waiting. no signs, no contact, NOTHING.

safe to say, this is it. how can it really be it, you know? that's how i feel. how can something just die like that?
it doesn't hit as hard as i expected, but maybe that's because i've been expecting it. i knew to expect this day to come.

i waited. i did. i waited for you to grow up and escape your fantasies and rash feelings, but to no avail. maybe they weren't so rash after all?

do you know what it feels like now? nothing. it feels like NOTHING.

i don't feel crazy. i'm kind of at ease. i've been sleeping normally again. living a life that does not constantly 24/7 revolve around you and thoughts of you. i've been doing so much better, i'm adamant this is really it.

i don't want to talk to you. on wednesday, i had that sudden feeling and i texted you - hoping maybe, it'd reassure myself that we still had something even if it was purely friendship. but you didn't even reply and you haven't even acknowledged it. it just means, even as a friend, this cannot work. to be honest, i felt pretty shit. why is it that you don't care anymore?

and then i thought maybe yeah, you're just trying to not give me the wrong signals, and it makes sense. but that's all the more embarrassing and shameful. that you'd need to stop me from holding on.

i must let go now for myself.

i

hello you,

do you remember me? do you still remember who i am, who i was when i was with you, how we were together? it's been a while now and i've gone through about a million detours...only to find myself back here again. i've made hundreds of excuses and lied to myself thousands of times. i just wanted to believe so badly that you still wanted me. i weaved myself back in and forth, with each and every time, still secretly hoping you'd come back. i was just trying to buy time. i never wanted to move on in the first place.

that night, when we met up to talk - i was never meant to stay that long and be that way. i was always just meant to say everything i had to say and leave. i wasn't meant to sit there and reminisce with you, laughing and bonding with you. the thing is, it was bittersweet. you may not realise this but every minute of that night killed me inside. it ached more than ever because i knew the ending was drawing nearer and by the end of the night, i knew it'd be over. absolutely. completely. it was hard already, but when you decided to draw back in our stories and talk to me, as if you still cared, it made it ridiculously difficult to even consider walking away. i should have gone home as soon as i could.

because i stayed, i lingered. i know i said i wouldn't, but i did. the whole ploy in me saying it was cool to be friends...inside, i just knew i'd miss talking to you so much. so much, to the point i'd lie to myself that i was okay so i could live with you still in my life again. everything seemed fine for a while, but the excitement faded. i didn't want the shallow and superficial conversations anymore. i wanted the honest and amazing ones we used to have. but obviously, you couldn't give me that. but i tried anyway. i kept trying and i tried so hard to make it work.

and the thing is, i was always so confused. i was dying to be close to you again, but on the other hand, my head was screaming no no no. how could i drop my dignity like that? so i fought with myself relentlessly. i tried to erase you, i brought you back in, over and over again. the ironic thing is, all through this hell, you probably never even realised anything had changed at all. you probably never even noticed that there were periods of time where i tried to not talk to you. you probably never cared to begin with.

it sucks, because i know i deserve better. i keep giving myself pep-talks but i am so tired. i am so tired of battling with myself. i don't know what to do. i don't know where to go or how i could even begin to fix myself. half of me is trying to move on and forget you, and the other half is clinging on for dear life. should i be waiting around? does it even matter that i still miss you? 

being with you felt like home, where my entity lay. it was perfect in my eyes and i thought you would continue to feel the same way about me. these days, i can't sleep without you on my mind and every waking moment is a movie reel playing back your scenes. i keep running and switching between indifference and heartache. these days, the world is a blur and i'm constantly walking through it in a daze.

i find myself questioning if we ever existed at all. it feels like a dream and you're not real.  

i don't enjoy whining and moping about everything, but sometimes, there seems to be no other way to do it.

cried for ages last night, just lying there in the dark listening to songs. the tears just started rolling out and before you know it, i was sobbing.

there's no solid reason for why...but i think generally, i'm just so disappointed. last night, i was reliving everything in my mind. reliving how it all started, every little moment - from beginning to end. it disappointed me because digging deep inside, i could still feel the sheer joy of the beginning....the butterflies. then i just completely lost it, because we know it's not there anymore.

and i guess, more specifically, it's because the realisation is starting to hit me - tarot reading predictions aren't exactly credible...i'm sorry i held onto what the lady told me. if anything, i was clinging onto it, because it was the only thing that seemed to lead me back to you. realistically, everybody knew you would never come back again, but that lady painted this picture for me. albeit, she wasn't exactly telling me the best things about getting back together with you, but she said it was THERE. i wanted so much for it to be true, and i thought if i believed in it, it would be so.

i don't know...it wasn't until yesterday that it all started to sink in. you're not going to call me, you're not going to miss me, you're not going to want me back. you're not going to have feelings for me.

and even on friday night, while you may have been looking at me and i may have felt that jolt in my heart everytime our eyes met...we know it meant nothing. it's just me and my overanalysis. i know it's nothing to you.

and it's clear that if you had really had anything for me, you would have tried to talk to me. maybe it would have been awkward for everyone around us, including ourselves, to be seen interacting in a social setting, but nothing should have stopped you if you had really wanted to. i have to accept that you didn't want to talk to me.

and it's even clearer that this 'tension', this uncomfortable yet mutual awkward non-acknowledgement/silence, has become this hazy cloud. i don't think we'd be able to speak again, because speaking, would warrant a discussion about what really happened on friday night. it'd mean we'd have to lay everything out on the table and talk about why we didn't talk and risk revealign how much we may or may not have noticed about eachother that night. it'd mean we'd have to admit that we had opportunities to speak, but just didn't and didn't want to...it'd mean facing the reality that we CAN'T speak to eachother anymore.

for me, that's what it all comes down to - that there is this grey area that i cannot cross and i don't want to cross. they say, maybe this is it. maybe friday night was the final piece to everything, that it's meant to seal that space shut for me. friday was a reality check. i've been in an ambiguous and sort of fragmented world, sort ot thinking we were friends and thinking we were not...til i realised, yeah, we cannot even talk in public.

what's left of us now? where do i go from here? to the start? starting all over again? it seems so difficult and i'm so reluctant to have to erase everything.

ow ow ow ow.

take me back to the night we kissed, the night it all started. i would re-do it, i would re-do everything. i would have told you then and there that while i may like you, i cannot start anything with you, because you're going to break my trust anyway. you're going to hurt me and make me cry, and it will burn. it will ache so much inside, and i cannot be the big girl that i told you i'd be. that i will not be able to handle it and pretend everything is okay.

you know what i want now? i want to speak to you. i want to hear your voice one last time. i want to see you. i want to say, this is it...that i know i've dragged it out over the past 2 months unnecessarily, but it's because i couldn't find it within myself to let go. that it's time now. i cannot lie to myself and pretend that we're friends and coolbeans. the fact is i still miss you every day and i cannot stop thinking about you. and it doesn't help that you're still around and while you may not actively be there, you're still lingering in the background, in the shadows. it's the fact that i can still SEE you at all, that already triggers all these emotions within me. i can't do this anymore. it's unfair.

and i want to touch you, to be able to hug you and feel your skin. the intimacy? i miss it. how strange that being with you used to feel like home. it was so comfortable, so easy. but now, it makes my skin crawl. seeing you makes me nervous and anxious.

for one night, maybe we could just lie there and talk again. the best moments were always the one where we'd share the whole world with eachother like that.

so dear god, please. please help me. please make this easier for me. 

when i say for the first time, i was the one to leave the conversation - it's in that i actually said 'goodbye'. there is something so traumatic about saying it. i've never really said it, because as i close the conversation window, i'm always hoping it'd start up again. there's that fear that when i say goodbye, he can leave, as opposed to be just not responding, and he'll know the door's still open.

WHICH i know is completely fucked up, because this all may as well also be a metaphor for what's there between us. i somehow am still leaving the door for him.

past week, i've been pretty awesome. with no contact, and me generally accepting that i'd never see, properly speak to him or have him feel something for me again, i was getting used to it all. moving on, perhaps?

but that's the ironic and messed up thing...that i thought i was okay, that i was well and amazing. when i saw him last night, it was so clear i wasn't.

game playing? here we go again. i avoided looking at him for most of the night and he never approached me. in a way, it cut because i thought he would at least come around and ask me how i've been and go through the agony of small talk...but even so, no?

i left before he did, which was i guess the upside. that i could leave and he was the one to stand there and see me walk away. i know it's stupid to analyse this, but it's the little things that are the most significant to me.

like why he had to text me - as friendly as he was trying to be - why?
like that look on his face when he saw me as he came in and the way i was nuts inside.
liek how his friends were watching throughout the night
like how he, himself, kept looking at me and there'd be those moments where we'd almost bump into eachother or run into eachother's line of sight agian, and for a flicker of a second, our eyes would meet and quickly look away.

i notice all these tiny things because they make up the whole picture - that i'm still crazy and you're still there.

i think that i am so tired and miserable.

i want out.
i want out on everything there is.

why couldn't we have just stuck with just being friends? if you hadn't initiated, i would have just let it die off because it was heading there. sure, there may have never been closure, but surely, we could have just gone back to it years from now and laugh it off. why'd you have to tell me you liked me for?

i don't want to live each day with you on my mind. i don't want the things i do to be affected by you. i want to go back. i want to be as fine as i ever was, before you came in.

and i start to cry again, because this feels like the absolute ending all over again. i've been delaying this for so long now. i've been avoiding the departure. we said our goodbyes, but i hung around these past 2 months. i've only wanted to be able to hear your voice again. i miss it i miss it i miss it a trillion billion million times.

you don't say my name, you don't say hello.

i guess, what's pushed me is knowing that it'll never be the same again. those conversations, that i valued so much, i'm never going to get back. and as i keep trying to bring it back, you only move further away from me. i can see that you don't want to try. i can see that you're sort of stuck between being polite and just really, trying to get the fuck away from me.

so much that i associated with you lived within these elaborate and intricate conversations, but as every day now drags on and every time i try to talk to you again, that all fades. i want to keep those memories. i don't want to taint them with the cold reality of a world after the happy ending. i want it to stay forever that we had a connection....not remembering the discomfort and faults that plague our relationship now.

i'm turning away for the sake of the two people in a pretty relationship those months back. in a completely abstract and crazy way, i want them to live on. they can exist on their own, and i'll find another way to continue on?

so please, i'm begging you, give me a break. i don't want to hear about you and i don't want to be swayed. i don't want anything from you, unless it'll be nothing less than absolute and definite.  i don't want ambiguity and open-ended scenarios.

these next few weeks...that's the time i'm allowing for myself. but i will not break. there will be that chance for you to come around and me to expect you. but i guess, once this passes and still, nothing, i won't expect you anymore.

i should have let this go earlier. i had about a gazillion detours, but i can feel the ending. it's approaching, because i'm tired and because, for the first time, i was the one to leave the conversation first. picking up the pieces of my dignity now? i'm exhausted from you. 

MUST. REFRAIN. MYSELF.
Create
ASLIDJFKJLARHGHARHGHGHGHGH

my bed is yours, sleep all you want

when you talk to me, it's initiated by a series of random links/pictures/videos. it feels odd. is this what we've been reduced to? excuses for each other to speak again?

remember how we used to be able to just say "hey" followed by a "how you doing?" or "what are you up to?" or pile straight into the stories and updates on our day?

i miss that so much. there were no inhibitions. just comfortable, familiar conversations.

but now, i have to think over every little thing i say, every little emotion i reveal. i don't even know if a 'hey' suffices anymore. if i want to talk to you, i need an AWESOME and LEGIT excuse - some cool video or something. and that makes me feel pathetic because there i am, sifting through endless lists of media content, just so i can talk to you.

yes, it's that bad.

and the painful thing is, a lot of the times now, you'd just leave. halfway through, it's as if you got sick and bored, so you just close the window off and forget i was there. you dont even drop me the couresty 'i gtg do this now' or the 'im busy' or 'brb'. you just simply stop responding. just like this relationship and how you just simply decided to stop. no warning, no signs.

one of the toughest things about talking to you now, is that im always counting down in my mind. i'm always in a state of panic, sort of gripping at the edge of my seat, wondering when you'd suddenly leave again. and then there are days where you decide to actually tell me you have to go. but it doesnt make it any easier. i'm still pathetically trying to make myself as interesting as possible...just so you'd stay a bit longer.

hoping, you'd even stay to talk to me all night again, like you used to. and forget about your responsibilities and work. just me.

hence, why, i've come to this point now. i don't want to wait for you anymore. everytime i wait, i dislike myself more. so what i'll do is block you. leave you alone. and maybe one day, you'll realise that i'm gone, that i've been missing, that i've left you and won't always just be there, ready to jump at the chance to talk to you again. this is me, giving you a chance to miss me. cos i miss me too. i miss my old self. i miss me who was out there living and enjoying the finer things in life. byebye to sitting in front of the computer waiting for your replies.

and here's to hoping, tha tmaybe, MAYBE, if i block you long enough, you'll be the one to call me and find your own way to reach to me. if you want to talk to me, you'll find a way, right? and if you don't, then we'll know. and i guess, it won't matter whether or not i unblock you after that...

however, other case scenario is that i unblock you out of weakness after a few days...well, maybe even at that, you'd also realise i havent been around.
MAYBE.

i know it just sounds like a load of shit that boils down to me wanting your attention...but this is honestly also for me. i need my space.

stupidly sitting and staring at my phone expectantly. waiting.

because you're meant to call me. because, one day, one night, you're bound to pick up that phone and call me.

i don't know when and it may be because you miss me, you're bored or you have something to say/discuss, but it won't matter....because all i'll be doing is hearing your voice again.

friday, you were all, talk to me when you get home, i can't wait to hear all about your night. f u.

i come home and it's like we never talked in the first place.

i wait and i always wait. i continue making excuses for you...like you're too busy with work to contact me, like you think i'm too busy, like you don't know if you should. then i listen to myself and freak out. there i go, making excuses again.

it's harsh to think you haven't contacted me purely because you're not interested and do not want to.

effort warrants interest. you make no effort, you show no interest, yet i still stare at the phone.